Gents, can we be frank? Can I be honest with you and share a woman’s perspective on this belief that women want a ‘bad boy’?  Yes, I’ve written of it before but it’s a misconception that I see over and over again, so it seems the topic is relevant and worth discussing. This post has been written for all the men out there who are tired of being dumped for being a ‘nice guy’ and believe that women want a ‘bad boy’.

I’m going to lay it on the line here, gents. I’m not pulling any punches, and I hope you will take this in the spirit that it’s being written – that of genuinely wanting to shed some light on this subject and hopefully, give some understanding to those great guys out there who have been told that you are ‘too nice’ and that this is the reason you are struggling to find a partner. Gents, it’s not that you are ‘too nice’; the truth (and most women won’t come out and tell you this because they don’t want to hurt your feelings) is that you lack self-confidence and self-esteem.

Wait..wait..wait…hear me out…I know some of you are internally resisting that statement and others may already be cursing me out loud and ready to stop reading this post…please continue…it is you particularly who can gain from this. If what I wrote is already touching a nerve and getting your defenses up, I think we’re on to something…

Gents, I’m speaking from personal experience and from the experiences of my female clients and my female friends (we do talk about you, you know?). 😉  NO WOMAN that I’ve ever known is looking for a man who mistreats her, lies to her, cheats on her, is dismissive of her, or abuses her in any way. That is our description of a ‘bad boy’ and no woman seeks that in a partner, but because you’ve been told over and over again that you are ‘too nice’ and you’ve heard that excuse from women who only want to ‘be friends’, you actually think that we want a ‘bad boy’.

The problem is that it’s really difficult to tell someone that they are insecure and have low self-esteem. Most people won’t admit that to themselves, much less to someone else. And why hurt someone’s feelings even further when you are already telling him that you just want to be friends? 

It’s really not about how nice you are, gents, it’s about the fact that we’ve picked up on the subtle (and not so subtle) cues that you’re giving off of insecurity, poor self-image, and lack of self-esteem. I will also add that all of the men I’ve met who have fallen into this ‘nice guy’ category exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors as a way to try to get what they really want because they don’t have the self-confidence to come out and say it from the get-go – and they all have domineering mothers who they spent a childhood trying to please. This isn’t a knock against mothers; it’s simply something that I’ve noticed in the so-called ‘nice guys’. Many times these guys are ‘people pleasers’, which comes across as a lack of backbone and being a doormat and stems from a domineering mother who is very critical and cold.

One of the most attractive qualities in a man is self-confidence. Not the arrogant, cocky, narcissistic confidence of a man who uses others and thinks he’s a gift to women. I’m talking about the self-confidence of a man who is comfortable in his own skin. A man who lives by a set of moral and ethical values that you can depend upon. A man who isn’t afraid to say ‘no’ or voice his opposition to an idea or perspective that goes against his integrity. A man who can be vulnerable, open, and honest without thinking that he is being weak. A man who is not a ‘people pleaser’ – which stems from an emotionally unhealthy place –  but who genuinely enjoys pleasing people- as long as pleasing someone does not contradict his values. 

Gents, if a woman says she only wants to ‘be friends’ and that you are ‘too nice’, PLEASE take that veiled comment and do some inner work. Ask yourself if the woman might be picking up on the fact that you are insecure. And be honest with yourself. Understand that if you have a healthy self-confidence, it doesn’t matter if you are not classically handsome, or physically fit – women will be DRAWN TO YOU. Period. And again, I’m talking HEALTHY self-confidence here, not toxic arrogance. A healthy self confidence will make you attractive and appealing no matter your physical looks. 

Nice guys don’t finish last, insecure guys do. If you have repeated instances of being told you are ‘too nice’, the universe is trying to give you some insight. Stop blaming the women for wanting ‘bad boys’ and shift your focus inward. The universe is trying to direct your attention to your insecurity so that you can begin the journey of loving yourself and being yourself without the fear of criticism, judgment or abandonment.

Woman love nice guys, genuinely nice guys with a healthy self-love and self-esteem. Focus your energy on becoming that guy and you won’t be alone for long. 

Much love to you, awesome gents!