A Jewish Matchmaker’s Guide to that Space “Between Relationships”…
It’s written in Kohelet (Ecclesiastes) that “everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven.” I strongly believe this torah wisdom, and it serves as my reminder to relax, ease up on the pressure, and let the natural course of events play out in my life. If I find myself getting impatient or trying to force something to happen on MY timetable, it’s meditative to remember that I am not in control, and everything will come to fruition in its own time.
This is particularly helpful to remember when you are in that space “between relationships” and you feel frustrated because you’re doing everything you can think of to get yourself “out there”; you’re meeting new people, going out on dates, turning on the charm – yet you remain single, with no one who even remotely looks like a good fit.
As a matchmaker, this is exact point in time when singles come to me for assistance- when they are between relationships and frustrated that they aren’t meeting compatible partners. From my perspective, if you find yourself in this place, it is the perfect opportunity to focus your attention inward to re-align your needs and desires with the image that you’re outwardly projecting.
There is only one “you” – and the perfect match for that one “you” won’t be able to find you, if he/she can’t “see” you. And if you’re projecting an image of who you think you should be instead of just letting who you are flow out into the world, then this “dating downtime” is your opportunity to get down to tachlis with some honest self-evaluation so that you can begin expressing who you are to the world, and in turn, attract a partner who will be naturally drawn to your unique qualities.
So where do we start this journey? Let’s start at the beginning….
1) Get Real – put aside that false image that you are trying to project to others and take an honest look at yourself. Are you being true to your inner voice? Or are you trying to live up to an image that other people have created for you? In your efforts to please others, have you forgotten what makes you happy and joyful? Get back in touch with that inner voice that knows who you are and what you want. Try making that voice the only one who dictates your actions. Do the things that make you happy and fulfilled. Your natural joy will begin to radiate from you and this is a very, very attractive quality.
2) Take Responsibility – okay, so you realize that you’ve lost yourself in pursuit of the approval of others. Don’t start blaming; you’re not a victim. Accept the responsibility for everything that has come in and out of your life so far, and be prepared to take responsibility for everything you allow in and out of your life moving forward. Taking responsibility for your life, your decisions, and where you are in your journey is empowering. Empowering yourself leads to self-confidence, which happens to be one of the most attractive characteristics in a person. Own it.
3) Be Kind and Forgiving – doesn’t it feel great when you are genuinely sorry for something that you said or did and the other person accepts your apology with kindness and forgiveness? Too often, we err on the side of “justice” when what is needed, is mercy. And the person most deserving of our mercy, is ourselves. Stop putting yourself down, stop beating yourself up, stop admonishing yourself, and stop punishing yourself for all the perceived “mistakes” you keep telling yourself that you’ve made over the course of your life. Stop. Right this second. Forgive yourself EVERYTHING, and as you move forward with GENUINE forgiveness and kindness towards yourself, your mercy will extend to everyone you come in contact with and you will be able to express and attract the kind of love that up to now, you’ve only dreamed of.
4) Be Grateful – you have so much good in your life; you are sooooo blessed, and it is only by the grace of God. Look at the beauty that fills your life and let your heart overflow with gratitude. Breathe in the fresh air that is in abundance around you and know that your life is a gift and a treasure. Say a prayer of thanks every time something pleasing happens to you and you’ll soon realize how many prayers of thanks pass your lips. The more gratitude you express for all that is good and beautiful in your life, the more you will receive to be grateful for. And that sincere gratitude toward the universe and your existence will open a space in your heart that will attract an honest, confident, kind, and forgiving partner with whom you can share a lifetime of blessings and gratitude.