One famous definition of insanity is ‘doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Nowhere do I see this more clearly than in the world of online dating. Many singles come to me because they are sick and tired of putting in the time and energy required to actively participate in the online dating scene only to be continually disappointed by con-artists, misrepresenters, players, and absolutely-not-interested-in-committing-to-a-relationship types. These singles are sincere in their effort to find a compatible partner, yet are coming up empty-handed again and again. So they seek a matchmaker with the hope that something in this scenario will change and they will be introduced to like-minded singles who are also ready to commit to one person and begin the work of building a relationship and escape the online dating insanity.
The thing is, there are PLENTY of ‘like-minded’ singles, both online and off, who are serious about getting serious. Plenty of singles who are not playing games or looking for casual sex. Plenty of singles who are just as frustrated as you are because they just don’t understand why they keep meeting the same type of person or why they aren’t meeting anyone at all because no one will ‘show up’.
So singles come to me expecting that something will be different, which is a great start because they are changing one of the factors in their search – they are putting the process in my hands. They tell me what they are looking for in a partner, and they turn the search over to me. So far, so good. The ‘insanity’ part is that although they turn the search over to me, they respond to potential matches the same way they operate on dating sites – they glance at the profile and photos and dismiss the match for the same BS reasons that they dismiss an online match. The same baggage that they bring to their online dating search is the same baggage they bring to the matchmaking process, hence, the same outcome.
My friends, if you want to change what is happening in your dating life you MUST change what you are doing. I’m telling you this not only to help those clients of mine (or the clients of other matchmakers) who remain stuck in what is basically a ‘swipe left or right’ mindset of choosing dates, but I’m also telling this to those of you who have no plans to use a matchmaker yet need to see some results with online dating – STOP DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER! Specifically, stop believing that you can know if someone is a good match for you by some photos and a few descriptive paragraphs. You are kidding yourself if you believe that this is a good method of weeding out the ‘wrong’ types and finding the ‘right’. It is not. It is a terrible method and the proof is that it simply isn’t working for you. What further proof do you need?
Whether you are dating online or using a matchmaker, decide right now that you are going to get out of this box in which you’ve imprisoned yourself, get out of your comfort zone, take a freakin’ chance, and commit to at least having a conversation on the PHONE before deciding that someone is not a good match for you – and stop playing text-tag with back and forth messages in lieu of real conversation. A 15-minute conversation on the phone will tell you much more than their photos and profile will tell you. And if you don’t have 15 minutes to invest in a more accurate assessment of someone’s compatibility, then you don’t have time for a ‘relationship’, and saying that you seek a relationship yet not making space for it in your life is another example of dating insanity…