Do you Self Sabotage Romance?

The Jewish dating scene has been through many changes over the past five years, and the proliferation of self-service online matchmaking and individualized matchmaker dating services focusing only on Jewish singles confirms this. It is now normal procedure for single Jewish women and men to use online matchmaking websites to connect with singles within their faith. But if everyone is searching for their soul mate, why are so few people actually finding that someone special? To determine if you are helping or hurting your chances of success ask yourself these questions:

Does my list of required attributes focus on physical and material characteristics?

Am I being unrealistic in my age specifications?

Am I basing most of my decisions strictly on what the photo looks like?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you’re probably doing more harm than good in the search for your soul mate, and you may in fact be engaged in self sabotage. As a professional online matchmaking service I know through experience how Jewish singles make the wrong list in the beginning of their search. One way to test this theory is to think about your past relationships and ask yourself “If my first encounter with my ex had been a brief profile and a couple of photos, would I have agreed to meet him/her?” Odds are that you’ve had meaningful, deep relationships with people whom you never would have dated if you’d only seen a photo of them, but meeting them in person provides a 3D aspect of their personality, appearance, and essence, that you will never get in a photograph.

If you are serious about finding your soul mate, then you need to toss out all your requirements of age, height, salary, looks, and education, and focus on the qualities that are actually going to prove meaningful in your life with this person. Is he/she honest? Is he/she kind to others when not expecting something in return? Does he/she have the ability and desire to compromise on issues where the two of you might not agree? Do you feel comfortable around this person? Do you share the same Jewish values and lifetime goals? These are the attributes upon which you should concentrate, and once you’re focused on the important qualities, you’ll more easily spot them in others and ultimately in the one special person with whom you can also share a physical attraction.

Of course, determining if a person has these characteristics is impossible simply by reading a Jewish online dating profile; you need to meet! So if you truly want to be successful at finding your soul mate, you need to keep an open mind. If someone has taken the time to contact you (or if a Jewish matchmaker has determined that one of her clients might be a good match), be flexible enough to at least meet the person for a cup of coffee and see what they are like in flesh-and-blood form. Nothing is lost by showing the courtesy and flexibility to meet someone with whom you may actually end up connecting with, everything is gained.
Remember, don’t put yourself so high up on a pedestal that you end up there all alone.