April 30, 2025

A look at Gaslighting

What Is Gaslighting in Relationships? | Sara Malamud – Elite Jewish Matchmaker

Gaslighting is a behavior that can occur in any human relationship. Although it’s not exclusive to romantic partnerships, this is where it gets the most attention. The source of the term is the 1944 film, “Gaslight”, in which a man attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights and making her think it’s only her imagination. No matter the method or the relationship, gaslighting erodes trust, autonomy, and emotional stability.

Gaslighting is not always manipulative, but regardless of whether it’s intentional or not, gaslighting erodes self-trust of the victim. Over time, the victim experiences increasing self-doubt, a persistant sense of confusion, and a deepening lack of self-confidence. This lack of self-trust can lead the victim to becoming over-dependent on the person doing the gaslighting. They begin to trust the reality presented by the gaslighter, more than their own senses.

Gaslighting can be difficult to spot in the early stages of a relationship as it’s often covert and disguised. Subtle comments and behaviors that leave you feeling “off” might be the first sign. Sometimes it’s a general lack of interest in your feelings or quickly dismissing them when your feelings don’t align with their feelings. As the gaslighter becomes more confident in their ability to shift doubt and blame onto you, the behaviors and comments will increase, which is why it’s so important to detect it early.

In this article, I’ll point to some core tactics of gaslighters, as well as show some real life examples of gaslighting in action.

Gaslighting Tactics

Blatant Denial

Gaslighters often deny doing or saying something, even though you remember it clearly.  When you confront them with their rude comment or hurtful behavior, they will say “I never said/did that”, “You’re imagining things”, or “It didn’t happen that way”. No matter how good your memory, you’ll begin to second guess yourself and start questioning your own powers of recall.

Belittling your Feelings

Gaslighters routinely diminish or belittle the feelings you express. You’re either “over-reacting”, “too sensitive”, or just “being crazy”. When your partner regularly shows contempt for how you feel, you will quickly learn to keep your emotions to yourself. You will close yourself off from your own feelings and their natural expression, making your own wants, needs, and concerns minuscule in comparison to the wants, needs, and concerns of the gaslighter.

Diverting Blame

Gaslighters have an unusual focus on blame. They refuse to accept it and will always divert it to someone else. No matter what happens in their life, it is always the fault of someone else. This behavior is particularly toxic in a romantic relationship. When you express dissatisfaction or confront them with their own behavior, the blame is thrown right back on you. Their behavior is always your fault. They are unable to calmly discuss relationship concerns in a healthy and emotionally mature manner because they are unable to accept their role in the conflict. And they most certainly won’t accept the blame.

Silent Treatment and Stonewalling

Gaslighters want to avoid discussions about issues or problems that naturally come up in a relationship, particularly if the problem is connected to their behavior. They will pretend not to understand what you’re talking about, saying things like “I don’t know what you mean”, or “You’re not making any sense”, or “You have an active imagination”. They may completely dismiss all of your concerns by claiming that “Only you see it that way”, or “It’s all in your head”.

Love becomes a weapon

Gaslighters use love as a weapon and disguise manipulation as care: “I’m only saying this because I love you”, “No one else would put up with you like I do”, “Is it wrong that I want you all to myself?”, and “If you loved me, you would trust me” are statements that weaponize love.

Real-life Examples of Gaslighting

Denying the obvious:

Lisa believes her boyfriend Mark is messaging with another woman. When she confronts him about it, he responds “You must have misread the name”, even though she is sure of what she read. If she presses it, he will accuse her of “being paranoid”, “insecure”, “jealous”, or “controlling”. He will turn the conversation around to make her feel guilty for questioning him.

Social isolation:

Alan doesn’t like his girlfriend Lena’s best friend. He insists that the friend is a bad influence who is trying to destroy their relationship. The friend might actually be very supportive, but Alan claims that “She’s always trying to get between us”, or “She never has anything nice to say about me.” He dominates Lena’s time and begins to isolate her from both her friends and family by making her feel guilty: “You prefer to spend time with friends instead of me?” “You’re family isn’t even nice to you, why do you want to spend time with them?”

You’re the problem:

When her husband, Steve, publicly embarrasses her with a joke, Sara confronts him about her hurt feelings. Steve dismisses her pain by telling her that she “can’t take a joke”, “Everyone else thought it was funny”, “You take everything too seriously”, and “You’re just looking for something to be upset about”. Sara’s hurt feelings are never acknowledged and no sincere apology is ever given.

Turning the tables:

When Lori confronts Tom about his rude or distant behavior towards her, and how it’s affecting her, he makes her feel like a burden. He is unable to respond with respect or genuine concern. He turns the tables by saying, “Wow, after everything I do for you, you think I’m rude?”, “I’m acting distant because of how you treat me!”,“Everything isn’t always about you!”, and “You push me away, and then blame me?”

The Impact of Gaslighting

Gaslighting has impactful emotional consequences. Over time, gaslighting creates chronic self-doubt, increased anxiety, depression, a lack of confidence, identity, and self-esteem, isolation from loved ones, and an over-reliance on the approval of the gaslighter and their version of reality. Often the gaslighting occurs with the victim not being consciously aware that this abuse is happening.

The victim of gaslighting will lose trust in their own intuition, thoughts, feelings, and memory. 

Staying Sane

JOURNALING - It’s easy to doubt our own recall. If someone is continuously denying your memory of events, start documenting your conversations, their behaviors, verbatim statements, and how they make you feel. Going back to check what was really said, will validate your own reality and take the steam out of their denials.

SUPPORT - Confide your concerns to trusted confidants. Loyal friends, family members, or a therapist can provide you with perspective and help you navigate through the emotional rollercoaster of gaslighting.

BOUNDARIES - The responsibility for creating boundaries around how someone speaks to you rests solely on your shoulders. Assert limits, such as: “Calling me crazy is not acceptable”, “I choose who I spend time with”, and “I will walk away from the conversation if you belittle my feelings”. You must set safe and healthy boundaries and follow through on enforcing them.

EMPATHY - As I briefly mentioned at the intro, some people exhibit gas-lighting behaviors without malice. Sometimes the reason someone says: “It’s no big deal. There’s no reason to get so upset” is because they don’t like to see you upset and they’re trying to smooth things over. A less empathetic person might also respond this way, without realizing how invalidating the response is. But if you tell either of these people that their response is upsetting - whether it makes sense to them or not - they will react in a caring way. Toxic gaslighters will never see your side or empathize with your pain.

Gaslighting is a toxic and powerful form of emotional abuse. It starts subtly and thrives on confusion, self-doubt, and silence. When you spot a gaslighting behavior, immediately bring it to the light. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, honesty, and empathy. If you feel something is “off”, trust your instincts. Voicing genuine feelings and concerns is not being “too sensitive”; beware of anyone who claims that it is.